You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you - don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." - You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - All your kids are named "Joe". - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You buy * & * by the barrel. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's - not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You've worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - Instant coffee takes too long. - You channel surf faster without a remote. - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity - in a coffee can. - You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." - You get drunk just so you can sober up. - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. - Your Thermos is on wheels. - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You have a conniption over spilled milk. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - You don't tan, you roast. - You don't get mad, you get steamed. - Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee - during and coffee after. - Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced - coffee to get you in the mood. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. - You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." - Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.